When I Become Queen...

The Royal Wedding

2011-04-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while. How you doin'? I've been seriously busy with stuff like LIFE, but I had to post again to say:

What's with all the hateration on the wedding?!! People say, "Who cares?" and I say the same, but in this way, "WHO CARES that it's on all the time?" Get over it, people! Literally, I haven't seen as much coverage as everyone is complaining about. The a spectacle of royal marriage in England has been going on for hundreds of years. It's just worse now, because DUH, there was no internet even when Diana got married. So, who cares??? Deal with it! Don't hate the players; hate the game.

Being my normal contrary self, if it's "cool" to hate on the wedding, then I'm watching. But for once, I would have anyway. So there!

And it's not even because I'm a romantic or want to cry over the wedding or anything silly like that, because that's not my style. It's just a nice, positive event between two famous, historically relevant (to some) public figures. What a pleasant switch!

I think I can honestly say that I have personally seen enough kamikazes flying planes into skyscrapers; folks getting macheted in the head after being set on fire; loss of limb from landmines; decapitations; mass graves; tsunamis and earthquakes destroying entire towns and drowning thousands of people; tornados destroying homes and killing folks; children growing up with major mutations due to nuclear power plants melting down; soldiers getting their heads shot half off; people living and starving in the streets after their homes are destroyed by earthquakes; college and high school students/teachers getting gunned by some wack job whose panties are in a bunch because some girl won't go on a date with him or, worse, his parents didn't buy him the Ferrari for his birthday instead of the Mercedes; starlets showing their bare hoo-ha's getting out of limosines and shaving their heads in beauty salons; celebrities going on national tours so we can ALL pay to watch their mental illness up close and in living color; women getting raped and/or murdered as casualties of war or for sport; and toddlers getting killed by their mom or dad to last ten lifetimes. So, pardon me if I'm going to get up a little early in the morning to see something positive and happy before I have to deal with incompetence on the Metro, BS between the two major parties in this country (with a side of extra crazy sauce - i.e. birthers, racists), and getting beat down by The Man while struggling to get the 10 cents that I need to hand over to the landlord in three days. Capisce?

See you at 5:30 am EST!

New Favorite Blog

2009-07-31T13:36:00.001-07:00

A blogger after my own heart. SIGH!

http://unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com/

These are my people. [Me sobbing gently into my hands]

Obsurdity

2009-07-30T10:17:00.001-07:00

Somehow managing to post twice in one day, less than one hour after the last post. What set me off? A brief blurb on how a Democrat is "miffed" about the choice of beer for the meeting between Obama, the Cambridge officer and Harvard professor Gates.

Apparently, Bud isn't enough, and they should have gone for Sam Adams.

My question is this: What the fuck are you bitching about NOW?? I have had my fill of this country's bitching about stupid shit, that I can't even take it. I'm sure that other countries have equally stupid debates about equally stupid things, but I'm really spent. SPENT, I tell you.

It's enough to put me off the news. There are so many more meaningful and interesting and IMPORTANT things to talk about, but yet some folks want to weigh in on the president's choice of beer for a sit down meeting. WHO CARES??! WHOOOOOOOO CARRRRRRRRRRRES!!!!!???!!! (that was me running down the street screaming)

I think I'm definitely off the news. Unless something REALLY important happens, I'm not tuning in.

If I Were a Lesbian

2009-07-30T09:38:00.001-07:00

Here are the five (celebrity) women that I would try to get with, if I were a lesbian (in no particular order):

Kate Walsh

Lena Headey (in fact, loved her in "300", then saw "Imagine Me & You" and was disappointed upon follow-up that she was actually straight. Like as disappointed as I was when I found out as a teenager than Shaun Cassidy was getting married.

Erin Daniels

Paula Patton

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Actually, if I were a lesbian trying to get with these women, they would actually have be lesbians, too, right? Oh well...

OK, I amend my post. If I were a celebrity, those are the five women I would try to hang out with.

I started wearing my contacts again because I saw some older photos of myself looking better than I thought I did, and realized that I look like a constipated church organist these days. (Seriously, I saw a picture of myself playing piano in a church, and that's what I looked like) So I ditched the glasses and started wearing my hair out. Now my contacts are fused to my eyeball so badly that everything is blurry. Will venture out during lunch to get eye drops.

End of July in DC Metro area, and my eyes are dry. My hair frizzed out due to the acute humidity, but my eyes are dry.

Mid-life Crisis

2009-07-28T09:31:00.001-07:00

Wow - it's here. It's queer--oh wait. Wrong topic.

Yeah, I've hit my mid-life crisis, and I am thoroughly depressed. It's been a long time coming, but several things have recently brought it to a head.

(1) I have finally reached the point where there are movie/television stars, musicians, and other celebrities who I have no idea who the fuck they are and don't interest me in the least and don't affect my life one way or the other. Anyone who is on The Hills, 90210, any reality shows or any new movie where new "young things"star fall into this category. Lady Gaga falls into this category. So does anyone who's out who sings and whines (David Cook, Lifehouse, Rob Thomas, The Script, Safety Suit, Nickelback, Parachute, Peter Yorn, Kings of Leon--get the picture?). I happen to know who these fools are because I unfortunately watch VH1 in the mornings to "keep up with the current music." People, don't make me turn to MTV in the mornings for the other annoyances (Flo-rida, Lil Wayne, etc.). Can anyone scream GENERATION GAP?!

(2) I liked Jay Leno. I love Conan O'Brien. I just don't think Jimmy Fallon is that funny. For the most part, I don't think SNL is that funny, either, although there are a few folks in the current cast that stand out. A FEW.

(3) After years and years of delusions of grandeur, I've finally discovered that I'm pretty much average. OK, maybe slightly above average, but if average is say, 50%, then I'm about 60% or even 58%. On the average scale, it's not that much of a difference from the average Joe.

How did I come to this conclusion? I started reading Malcolm Gladwell's "Outliers." As I suspected, my quest for musical fame and glory has and always been pitiful and a huge waste of time. I was doomed before I even started. Reading "Lies My Teacher Told Me" and anything by Howard Zinn emphasizes that point.

The breaks that could have come my way never have, and apparently, in the most important years of my musical development, I did not hit the required amount of practice hours that I should have. I don't have the energy to explain--read the book for yourself. Or, if you'd rather live in a state of denial, DON'T read the book. Trust me. You don't want to go there.

On one hand, it totally frees me. I'm not going to become president (ha ha, inside joke), I'm not going to become the next female Van Cliburn (though I ruled that out about twenty years ago), and in fact, the chances that I'm going to become a full time pianist is pretty slim considering I haven't seriously practiced in about 8 years.

I had taken lessons, but have literally blown off my fabulous Russian piano teacher because in the past three weeks I haven't practiced ONCE.

Classes? Yeah, I took two classes this summer, but did two assignments, and I'm pretty sure class is over at this point. FAIL!

I just can not work full time and do all that is required to succeed in college. At 42. Or have ever, as history will show. All of my energy is spent doing these things: getting up about three hours earlier in the morning than my body is set up for, commuting for an hour on arguably the worst public transportation system in the country, and having my soul sucked at a job that (although 150% a better situation than my last job) I only tolerate having. By the time 1 pm comes around, I'm done. Fried. So whatever energy is left over is used up in the next 5 hours of work and then a horrifying Metro commute home.

Then I come home to the fiancee, who is, seriously, a wonderful person, but unemployed, which stresses me to another level. So now I'm surviving on the dregs of my reserves. And you want me to practice piano??! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! And study and read history??!!! Eat me! I sit at home and stare at the television because it does not require me to think any more than I have to. Sometimes I find a stimulating show, but more often than not, I rely on ten year old sitcoms.

I know. You're saying, "Nice pity party you're throwing." We all have our crosses to bear. Let's see what I can do to get out of this mess.

Zip It

2009-07-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

This is an annoying (and RUDE) trend that I'm noticing more and more frequently. When I go to buy whatever it is I'm about to buy, I really don't need people editorializing my choice. Is it the look on my face that prompts these ramblings? Or better stated: Do I look like I care? I'm pretty sure that I don't.

Case #1 - went to Au Bon Pain a few months ago, decided to get something to drink. As I was mulling it over, a passing woman said, "I wouldn't drink any of that stuff. It all has high fructose corn syrup in it. You're better off drinking water." I chatted with her for a moment--only because that was what was taking me so long to decide ON MY OWN WITHOUT ANY ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP, and she added something like, "Sorry that I butted in with my opinion." At least she was self-aware.

Case #2 - went to CVS the other week and picked up some of that watery substance that Naomi Campbell peddles (I actually happen to like it) and the guy behind the counter says, "Doesn't anyone just buy real water anymore?" I said, "what?" three times as if I didn't hear him, and he changed the subject. Wisely.

Case #3 - went to pick up the book club book today that I had reserved at Borders (Happy For No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out" by Marici Shimoff). I was thinking to myself that I didn't feel like really buying another self-help book to add to the gazillions that I've already read and am currently working on. Most recent books were "Why Your Life Sucks" and "The Artist's Way" (which I loved). I felt like I had already fulfilled that need, but to keep up with "class" I'd read it anyway.

The woman behind the counter fetches my book for me, sees the title, gives a knowing smile, and says, "Oh, all you have to do is be happy with yourself. And your relationship with God. I used to read a lot of books to make myself feel better." I said, "It's for book club." (as if I had to explain my choice to some stranger) Of course, she didn't hear me, because she and God were talking to me, I guess, and made a few more comments in the same vein. Then looked at me with pity as I took my bag and left. Basically, I was wondering if I should beat her to death with the book as I took my bag and left.

Naturally, I thought of a great comeback ten minutes later: "Maybe you should write a book." Or: "Next time I'll order the book online. No opinions that way." Or, I could have just said it how I was really feeling, looked over at the counter person next to her and said, "Excuse me, but could you tell your co-worker to keep her fucking opinions to herself. She'll sell more books that way."

Note to The People: STOP TALKING TO ME (number one), and KEEP YOUR BRAINDEAD OPINIONS TO YOURSELF (number two)! Stick to comments about the weather.

Reminds me of an episode of "Wings" (I know. I'm a dork.) The cab driver, Antonio, was training someone to be a cab driver. The trainee insisted on giving his opinions about politics and other current events to those who got into his cab. Antonio, at wit's end, insisted that he keep the topic of conversation to the weather and to sports. Wise man.

I have gotten into discussions with cab drivers about race (mistake), politics (mistake), current events (mistake). This is why I don't talk to people who are doing a service for me, generally. Call me an elitist if you want, but you seriously eliminate a lot of arguments that way.

New idea: business cards that say "Keep your fucking opinion to yourself. Thank you." Hmmmmm...

Update

2009-05-19T09:37:00.001-07:00

Not much going on with me these days--and not much to rant about. Obama won. I have a new job (that I voluntarily looked for--wasn't required to find due to layoffs). I don't even have much to say about Metro that I haven't already said. Back to school (online), and have signed the lease for year 3 of my apartment. The noisy neighbor upstairs actually got married and now is less noisy. I bought a white noise machine. I started decorating the apartment.

So things aren't too bad at present.

I was looking back at my old posts and chuckled. Some of the things I've said were clearly stream of consciousness.

One of the big things that I'm happy about is the fact that I have a new job. I loved the folks I worked with at my old job, but the administration was straight up crazy. They basically treated the support staff as if they were aware that they had nowhere to go. "We know how bad the economy is--no one is hiring. Now you just have to deal with our BS. Mwaah ha ha haaaa!!!"

I could see them sitting in administration meetings, rubbing their hands and twirling their mustaches. "We'll take away all the perks and make it even MORE miserable!"

I would say about two weeks went by at the new SMALL firm before I realized that I wasn't being constantly eyeballed the second I came in the door. I could go downstairs and get coffee if I felt like it--without a record of me using the elevator being made. That no one here was crazy. Nice! My work load is 95% more than it was before--there is not a day that goes by that I'm trying to find something to do--but that is rather reassuring.

Things are still swirling for those I've left behind, and although it's fascinating to hear about (especially since it doesn't affect me AT ALL), I feel bad for the support staff. They all knew that I was escaping the looney bin. I was afraid I'd fall from the frying pan into the fire, but that didn't happen (SO FAR). But I did realize one thing: I don't want to be a secretary anymore! LOL

Now that the smoke has cleared, I know that I'm just not cut out to be a secretary for the rest of my life. And so, decisions have been made and plans put into process. Maybe two more years of this, but it's unlikely.

Roommates

2008-11-21T08:04:00.000-08:00

I just read a post (ancient, apparently) about someone who was having a war with his roommate's girlfriend. Apparently, the heat was too low to suit her, so when she was over (and this was often) she would crank it up to 80. The other roommates eventually ripped the thermostat from the wall.

I am sure that the thermostat war was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm sure that it all started with the girlfriend being over all the time.

Dudes, if you're going to have roommates, these are the rules that you must abide by, because you see, after having a roommate whose boyfriend moved in (unofficially) and was constantly in the apartment at all times, I came up with the Two Night Rule. The Two Night Rule states thusly:

"If you have a boy/girlfriend that wants to stay the night, then they can only stay two nights a week. Those two nights cannot be used two nights in a row (and this includes weekends--ESPECIALLY)." Additional nights (usually only ONE additional) is at the descretion of the roommate this rule would affect (ie. the one who doesn't have a boy/girlfriend).

Other roommate rules include the "If You're Not Home, He/She's Not in the Apartment" rule, which states: "If you're not home, your boy/girlfriend cannot be in the apartment, I don't care how late they worked their bartending job last night." This eliminates the "boy/girlfriend is sleeping, can you keep it down?" issue, "the boy/girlfriend is monopolizing the television in the livingroom" issue, and the "maybe I want to be in my own apartment alone once in a while when my roommate is out" issue.

It does become a problem when it's YOUR boy/girlfriend, but believe me, it will create a more harmonious living situation.

Oh, there is also the most important "your boy/girlfriend uses YOUR OWN bathroom" (if there is more than one bathroom) "not MY bathroom, because then I have to clean up after YOUR boy/girlfriend's ass." (This is particularly annoying if your roommate's boyfriend leaves the seat up, or has eruptive issues in YOUR bathroom. Yes, that is nasty, but it had to be said.)

The result, is that depending on the amount of roommates, there could be entire days and nights that you will be alone in the apartment. Or, you could end up living totally alone (but with half the rent still being paid) because your boy/girlfriend's roommate may not be bright enough to have the same rules.

You will thank me some day for my words of wisdom.

Amy Poehler - Not Funny

2008-04-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

I remember when Steve Martin came on the scene and I asked my mother if she liked him. She said, "I don't like those new comics."

If I ask her if she likes Steve Martin today, April 22, 2008, she will say, "I don't like those new comics."

I still find that hilarious--especially now since Steve Martin can officially be considered an "old comic." But I can only laugh so hard. Why? I just don't find the new comics funny. Especially Amy Poehler. Okay, I like her Michael Jackson impersonation A LOT. But otherwise, I can skip anything she does.

I think Tina Fey is mildly amusing. Steve Carrell is off the charts hilarious.

But Amy Poehler? Meh.

I still think that Maya Rudolph was the most hilarious SNL female, hands down. She really didn't get a lot of credit, however. Everyone was focused on the trinity of Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch. Again, meh.

Hyper does not equal funny to me. There is a lot of hyperactivity in what Amy Poehler does, and that does not make me a fan.

Just a thought.

Gettin' All Political

2008-04-16T06:46:00.000-07:00

I usually try to stay away from commenting on political comings and goings. I never really got into politics especially since I got into one once with my best friend in high school. I swore I'd never talk politics in polite company again.

Then I moved to D.C. You can't not talk politics in this town.

I was living in Chicago when the 2000 election rolled around, and yeah, I was mad about the result, and I may have said some things in passing to a select few. But since I moved down here (the summer before the 2004 elections, mind you) I have actually gotten into arguments with others about politics, read more about what was going on in politics than ever, and gotten up on my soap box more times than I can count. In fact, just don't get me started about the state of politics today.

But today, I'm going to say a few words on the subject, because it's just that wearying.

I'm an independent. I vote Democrat 100% of the time--except for once. It was a local primary, and it was one of my dad's friends. In fact, I voted the Democratic ticket otherwise.

I'm also a rabid Progressive Liberal Democrat, so that should pretty much tell you where things lie with me. Look outside. That's me hugging the tree.

But notice I said "rabid" not "milquetoast" which is what most Liberal Democrats turn out to be. A bunch of wimps, for the most part. They make me physically ill. I usually want to pimp slap them and tell them to grow a spine.

When the Democrats took over Congress, I was thrilled. I think that I literally danced in the streets that day. Then a few weeks passed and I was physically ill again. What a bunch of losers.

I'm not thrilled either with the state of the Democratic run for nomination, either. I was elated when Hillary decided to run for President. I thought it would be really cool. Bring back the Clinton Administration, but let it be a woman this time (pretty sure there will be no groping of interns this go round), and a strong and powerful goddess, at that.

Then the Obama hype started. I was worried that although he seems like he has great potential, he got a little cranial inflation after his Purple America speech. I thought he needed more time to play the game--or at least see how it's played for more than 4 years.

I'm a woman. And I also happen to be African-American. But I didn't think that Obama was necessarily the answer AT THIS TIME.

Then he made the announcement. My first reaction was, "Well, jeez! Can't we wait until we make history with a woman president first since she already threw in the hat?"

Once the game began, I was on the fence. I definitely didn't want a Republican in charge after the past almost 8 years of pain (it seems like Dude's been there for 16 years). But I had reservations on both sides: Hillary was too agressive--playing it like Obama was a Republican--and Obama just didn't seem marinated enough.

As the months dragged by Hillary got more and more on my nerves. Obama was actually holding up, but that isn't my fear. I think he can stand the heat. He'd have to be able to, being a black man in America. Of course, the Republicans basically openly mocked the Democrats for not having a united front, as they just love to do (lemmings, every single one of them).

After all of Hillary's shenanigans, I'm squarely in Obama's camp. I think she should have saved it for the actual election of becoming President, a not serve it up to someone in her own party. We're all on the same side here, people.

Now, I feel that the Presidential election is in jeopardy. I fault the two people involved equally.

I fault Obama for trying to run when female Americans were trying to make a point. Black, white, whatever. We need some estrogen in the White House, and not just to redecorate. Pelosi has failed me on many levels, but she's a start. Everyone knew that she was going to run. It was not an unknown. Why muddy the waters at the second most important election of the turn of the century?? Remember the last election? Bush was actually voted in this time!! Idiots! Obama could have waited four more years and have been even more effective.

I fault Hillary (I still equate "Clinton" with Bill Clinton even when I read the papers) for running for the nomination with a little more wisdom and less of a balls to the wall strategy. Bill Clinton (who has lost a gazillion points with me) should have shut his fat mouth up and stuck to what his wife will do instead of what Obama won't do. Hillary should have stopped playing dirty with folks in her own party. SAVE IT FOR THE REPUBLICANS. That's when you have to pull out the big guns and beat them at their own game. The game they are famous for playing.

But no. I have no idea who is going to get the nomination. Admittedly, I'm lousy at predicting the winners anyway, but this is a total crap shoot. Even if Obama wins Pennsylvania, will he get the nomination? If he doesn't, there's going to be enough pissed off black Americans that may turn the tide towards John McCain which is a frightening enough thought. I'm sick of the Republican Regime in this country. If McCain wins, I'm DEFINITELY moving to Canada or Europe.

Musings

2008-04-11T08:56:00.001-07:00

Haven't been posting in a while-sorry!

I've been taking the Eckhart Tolle/Oprah Winfrey webclass on his book, "A New Earth." So a few things have been happening.

One thing is that am trying to incorporate the teachings into my life, so ranting isn't something that I should be doing. LOL He incorporates Christian teachings and Zen Buddhist teachings in his book, so it's interesting. Since I'm pagan, it's interesting to see how he can incorporate both. Some of the Christians on the message boards have their panties in a bunch over the book, but it's interesting how no Zen Buddhists have weighed in--that I've noticed anyway. How very Zen of them!

Another thing is that I've been working on my music, so it's a little difficult for me to take the time out of my day to post. I'm in a new party band that was just put together in January, and I'm musically directing a production of "Zanna, Don't!" at a local community theatre. Both have taken up my time significantly--the latter rather than the former. The show is fun, but it really is an energy suck. I haven't talked so much in the past five years as I have in the past month. LOL

So, there are no rantings to be had at this point. I will say this, though: It's tourist season. The cherryblossoms are out, the cherryblossom parade is tomorrow. The tourists are out in full force.

One more thing: Baseball has officially come to DC. Last night's commute was a nightmare. Basically, Metro caters to the tourists and guests, and screws the regular riders. Long 8 car trains were constantly coming onto the opposite track toward the new Nationals' stadium at Navy Yard, and short 6 car trains were slowly making their way to take us in the opposite direction. So I was on a crowded train, standing for 30 minutes because the train was also going in slow motion. My feet hurt. Somebody smelled musty. I knew who it was, when he got off the train to let folks get by him I had a 30 second reprieve. Then he got back on and the funk wafted toward me yet again for two more stops before he got off.

And lastly: Spring is here. That means I was sweating for the first time this year yesterday. I walked in the shade. And the funk comes out when it gets warm. I kept thinking it was me, but mercifully I wasn't subjecting anyone with my own funk, necessarily. I usually smell my own funk before anyone else does, so I'm pretty sensitive! Unfortunately, that means that any skanky-smelling, musty-smelling, or downright vomit-inducing-smelling folk will piss me off.

The funkiest ones always seem to be the most proud of their funk. Two years ago, some dude was on the train for my entire ride. He apparently had never been introduced to underarm deoderant. And he was the only one on the train with short sleeves on, and he just HAD to hold the highest hand grip thingy (words are eluding me today) on the train, instead of holding one that would require his arm pit funk to stay in his arm pit. I almost asked him to, since he was knocking me out. Too earthy!

It would have been funny if I had a can of aerosol deoderant, aimed it at the gaping sleeve (it was too perfect!), sprayed and watched his reaction! LOL He would have said, "What are you doing?!" And my reply would have been, "I'm putting deoderant on you since you forgot to."

People think I'm crazy when I say I'm going to start driving to work. Reasons to do so:

1. I can listen to my own music at my own volume (and sing out loud if I want to).
2. I don't have to wait in the rain, snow, cold or unreasonable hot weather.
3. I can smell my own smells instead of the Funky Bunch's.
4. I don't have to listen to anyone else speak unless I turn on talk radio--which I never do.
5. I can actually get some other tasks accomplished on the way home instead of waiting to come home to go back out.
6. It's going to cost exactly the same amount to drive every day as opposed to taking the ever rising cost of Metro.

That's all for today!

The Annoying Catch Phrase

2008-02-26T07:40:00.001-08:00

It's made another appearance.

Apparently, Jennifer Lopez is reportedly "over the moon" regarding her newborn twins.

Oh, of course, this update is a little late, but Eddie Murphy's proclaimation that he was "over the moon" over marrying Tracy Edmonds was a little premature, you think?

Message to Lindsay

2008-02-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

You Know What, LiLo?

I don't want to see you naked. Or even half naked. Or even semi-naked. I've seen pictures of you in that unflattering beige bikini, and all I wanted to do was throw food and money at you. Not sexy.

And would you please get a little originality?? Posing like Marilyn Monroe in New York Magazine--that takes star power that you're not even old enough to have. Britney even did it a few years ago, so you're just doing something that's so tired that it needs to be put to bed.

I'm not impressed.

Metro Walking Rules

2008-01-29T07:13:00.000-08:00

What is the fascination with cutting in front of people while walking on the platforms of the Metro? These are people who are asking to get physically and verbally abused.

Don't rush in front of me to cut me off, because I'm not breaking my stride for rude c**ksuckers. This is what's going to happen: you'll cut me off, I'll end up stepping on the back of your shoe--not intentionally, because you put your foot in my path, erroneously assuming that I'm going to back off. And that causes your shoe to possibly come off your foot. Period. If I rudely cut you off, I would totally expect and completely deserve it.

I don't cut people off. It's rude. So, if you do something rude, expect the rudeness to be returned.

This morning, this joker scurried to cut me off and I stepped on the back of his shoe. He thought he was going to give me a withering look, but as he turned to give it, I was already prepared and giving him the stare down. It's basically a very pointed crazy-eyes look of "And that's what you get." He quickly looked away, and THEN tried to yell back at a safe distance, "Don't touch me!" I yelled back, "F**k you!" half hoping he'd come back up the stairs. He didn't. WIMP.

People in this town love to try to cut you off, but I usually don't let them. Some pacifists may say that I should just let them go, it's not worth the trouble. But I think it is worth the trouble. Not letting them get away with it may teach them a lesson and save them from getting a REAL beat down from someone crazier than me. Someone crazier than me might have followed him after almost getting mowed down and then pushed him down the stairs. See my point?

The guy last year who wanted to purposely block my way could have been shived and disemboweled by someone crazier than me.

The chick who cut me off in Chicago at Nordstroms so hard that I almost accidentally grabbed her ass, but took off her shoe instead, and then tried to tell me off, would have been bitch slapped by someone crazier than me.

Do you see my point?

The biggest problem with their behavior is that all these sh*t eaters have to say is, "Excuse me." Everyone is so afraid to say "excuse me". I'm just trying to understand. Two words. Hardly any energy expended.

I watch on the train routinely folks who would rather contort their bodies in unnatural ways to get around someone in the way rather than say, "Excuse me." Why so scared, Wimpy McWimps? Man up and say it! I say it with no problem.

I even tripped a blind woman WITH A CANE the other week. GREAT. As I realized what I was doing, I grabbed her so she wouldn't fall, and said, "Excusemeexcusemeexcuseme" about twenty times. Great. I'm tripping blind women now.

Heath Ledger and Other Musings

2008-01-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

I almost burst into tears when I heard that Heath Ledger died yesterday afternoon. Not that I was a huge fan or anything. I haven't even seen all of his movies--or even most of them. He did seem like a cool, decent guy. Kept under the radar; didn't court the press. Seemed to date normal women.

So, it came to me as a huge surprise because of all of that. Plus, he was 28 years old!

Meanwhile, you have Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and Britney Spears trying to kill themselves as best they can, and on camera if they can help it. But no, they still live, plaguing us with their antics, overdoses, court hearings, trips to jail, flashing their asses in too short shirts, or running around town with only a bra and a pair of jeans on, shaving their heads completely or bleaching their hair blond with horrible results. And apparently, someone still cares because they are on the news as much as possible.

I'll give you Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and Britney Spears for one Heath Ledger. Sounds cold, but, really. If any of the three of them had kicked the bucket rather than Heath Ledger, it would be a sad cautionary tale. And then we would move on. But no, Heath Ledger is now gone with all of his potential.

By the way, I love how everyone keeps saying that Brit has a mental illness. I'm sorry. I'm not buying that one. She has mental stupidity. If the cameras were all taken away, and nobody wrote a news story on her, let me tell you how fast her "mental illness" would get cleared up. She would become a paragon of virtue.

I think that we should start a Britney boycott. We should stop clicking on Britney links, and boycott buying the gossip rags until they stop broadcasting her bad fortune all over town. Definitely write in to the magazines that avoid the Brit topic and give them kudos, and write to the ones that exhaust the topic by stating that we won't buy a magazine that covers Britney. All Brit album sales should cease. Change the channel when a Brit story comes on. All the awards shows and the music industry should shut her out. They can do that. Example: does anyone under the age of 40 know who Irene Cara is?

The paparazzi would stop taking pictures of her because no one wants to see her, and then she'll start to get it straight. Those who like Britney should look at this as a scared straight exercise. You like her? Help her out and don't buy her crap or read about her. That'll help her.

Personally, I don't click on Britney, Winehouse, Doherty or Lohan links anymore, because I just don't want to see anything about their pathetic lives anymore. I've got enough to worry about in my own pathetic life. I'm done. Data overload. Oh, same with Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton.

BOYCOTT BRITNEY!

Dissatisfaction with Horror Movies

2008-01-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

I just checked out some upcoming horror movies on http://www.upcominghorrormovies.com/, and I have to say I'm disappointed. Not in the website, because the website ROCKS!

I'm disappointed in the selection of horror movies that are coming out in the next few months--aside from "My Name is Bruce" because I'm a sucker for Bruce Campbell movies. Every other movie description starts out with, "A group of friends go to ____ (Cancun/an abandoned hospital/a vacation in the woods/their senior prom/an old wax museum/a haunted house."

Could this be MORE BORING???? Would someone write something ORIGINAL and doesn't involve a group of horny teenagers going to some secluded place and running into "something bad"?????!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, I've lost interest in "Cloverfield," JJ Abrams highly anticipated movie about some version of Godzilla (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ), but told from the victims' points of view using handhelds.

Will it be anything like "Diary of the Dead," George Romero's highly anticipated movie about zombies (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ), but told from the victims' points of view using handhelds?

I kid you not, but I do believe there is one more horror movie coming out about some horror X (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ), but told from the victims' points of view using handhelds.

Played out already!!

Another Hostel is coming out. You know what I'd like to do? Kidnap the makers of Saw IX and Hostel XIV, and bring them to an abandoned mental hospital, tie them up, force them to watch all 1800 of their subpar, boring, played out movies.

Lately, the horror genre stands for "HORRIBLE."

And don't get me started on the lame ass Americanized versions of Japanese horror movies. I loved "One Last Call." I didn't even go to see the Shannon Sossemon [sic] version because it looks lame ass.

Note to Hollywood film directors and trailer producers: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHOW ALL OF THE SCARY BITS IN THE EFFING TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of the best horror movies didn't use torture or special effects. Ever see "The Bad Seed?" Ever see "The Uninvited??" How about "Lady in White?"

If you HAVE to use special effects, check out "The Exorcist" or "The Thing" or "Alien." Dudes, you know how to do this! Stop dumbing it down to make it easier to follow. I followed "The Ring" just fine.

I'm about to give up watching horror films.

First Overused Phrase of 2008

2008-01-10T13:08:00.001-08:00

Okay. The first official phrase that should be put out to pasture only two weeks into 2008:

"I'm over the moon." Both used by Toni Collette over the birth of her child, and Eddie Murphy on his marriage to Tracey Edmonds.

I'm already sick of it. I think I read it another place, but have thankfully blocked it from memory.

What does that even MEAN??

Black Movies vs. White Movies

2008-01-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

You know, one thing that drives me up a wall is that movie critics just LOVE to insist that black movies should deal with real life. Blacks (myself included) are the only race on the face of the earth that absolutely has to watch movies dealing with real life. Everyone else has their science fiction (where apparently black folks don't exist), or their Stardusts, or their Good Will Huntings (even if a white man is a janitor, he's still BRILLIANT!!). Black people have to deal with reality, or else it's meaningless and trite.

In fact, even if a black person goes to a "white" movie, there are reminders of what role white Hollywood wants black folks to be in. For instance, The Good Shepherd. Long movie. Pretty good, too. But there had to be the one moment where the intense need to use the N-word in the script is fulfilled. You can't just go to a movie about white people doing white things anymore. You're never safe. Lest you forget, black folks in the audience, lest you forget.

I remember when "What's Love Got to Do with It?" came out, I read an article from some critic who was disappointed that Ike and Tina never came across a situation where they had to deal with the racism that they surely encountered on their rise to the top. Pardon me, but didn't they have enough to deal with in this movie? You aren't satisfied unless there is a confrontational scene with the Klan or a moment when they are turned away from a lunch counter in the deep South to make this movie more "real" for you? I'm sorry, how about one plotline at a time?

Black folks probably went to see "Stomp the Yard" over "The Great Debaters" because it was a bit of escapism. Debaters is probably a great uplifting movie, but I'm sure that it has to start on a low note to get to the "uplifting" part. Black folks aren't allowed to escape? And besides, it's a bit of black realism that white Hollywood doesn't know exists. I didn't see the movie, but from what I've gleaned from the trailers I'm pretty sure it's about blacks IN COLLEGE in their FRATERNITIES. (Yes, Margaret, black folks have fraternities, too!) Not about gangbangers, slaves or junkies, or even pimps. Or even getting some sort of religious message shoved down our throats.

Once we start getting movies that don’t deal with all the above ALL THE TIME, then I’d say we’re making real progress.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH WASHINGTON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION????!!!!

2007-12-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

I had to come in on time today. 9 am on the nose. I left the house ten minutes later than I would have to be able to take the Green line and walk the rest of the way to work. So, I got on the Green line and thought, well, I have enough time to take the Red line—just to cut down on time.

Foiled again!

As I rode the escalator up to the platform at Ft. Totten, I saw an extraordinary amount of people waiting for the train at that hour. I looked up at the monitor. It was blank. Instantly plagued, I felt like hurling myself onto the tracks below. Then, the notice appeared on the screen. "Delays on the Red line due to general stupidity of Metro, and also due to the fact that Valerie has to get to work on time today."

Of course, it didn't really say that, but it might as well.

Enraged, I walked back down to the Green line and waited the precious 4 minutes I would need to get to work on time. And yes, I just walked from Gallery Place. And I was seven minutes late. I didn't get a hit for it, but I was mighty pissed off!

Metro. What in the hell are you doing? I'm serious. I really am convinced that there is something wrong with (1) the train itself, (2) the management and (3) the workers. How is it possible that almost every single solitary morning during rush hour, there is some kind of issue on Metro? Even the Orange and Blue lines had some kind of confucktion going on with it today! I would love to know the truth.

You know, I would love it if Metro came right out and said, "You know, whoever approved this current system should be drawn and quartered in a public arena, because it sucks. We apologize for the stupidity and lack of foresight of those who instituted this system. It is not convenient, does not assist our riders AT ALL and is bleeding us dry from maintenance." Just say it!! I would have more respect for the system if they would just admit that they suck!!

Also, the escalators are never working. What is that?! If I were Donald Trump, and I needed escalator maintenance folks, I swear I would never EVER hire anyone who has Metro on their resume. Apparently, they just can't do the job. I don't know what the malfunction is with their equipment is, but good LORD!!! The escalators that go out are INTERIOR escalators!! Not EXTERIOR escalators!!! The ice and snow do not affect them!!!

I'm practically pulling my hair out of my head over this system. There is a reason why people insist on driving into DC. The Metro system would literally shut down the second everyone left their car keys at home. It would not be able to handle it. They can't handle the folks who ride it right now!

Metro claims it cannot function in the snow. Or the ice. But I'm here to tell you that Metro cannot function in the rain. Nor the sun. Nor during rush hour. Nor during off-peak hours. Not at night. Not during the day. Not in the winter, nor the summer, nor the fall, nor the spring. Metro's window of operating like a decent public transportation system is about from 2:30 – 3:00 pm on May 16 of any given year—before it gets too hot, and it's not so cold, and there's no precipitation or moisture, or humidity. Or it's not too dry, and not that many people are on it. So, MAYBE for about 30 minutes once a year, Metro works perfectly.

Unless there is a sick customer. Then Metro goes completely out of whack. It doesn't know how to handle the sick customer. And apparently, sick customers don't know what to do on Metro.

Ideas:
Customer is having a heart attack. Someone call the conductor, who in turn calls 911 and meets them at the next stop. The conductor does not get out, nor stop the train, nor go to help the customer. The car is shut down, and the customer is quickly whisked off the train with the EMT folks.

Customer is vomiting. If it were me, and I if hadn't already projectile vomited ON the car, I would get OFF the car and try to vomit in a trash can or anywhere else. The car ITSELF should be shut down, but not the entire train. The train keeps moving.

Why the entire system is shut down for a "sick customer" is beyond my comprehension. Unless the person is having a stroke, there should be no reason why the customer can't get off the train. Did he break both legs when he fell ill??
So, for the next hour, the trains don't move in the entire system because of the sick customer. I have never heard of such a thing. Well, actually, I have heard such a thing! I live it at least once every two weeks!!

I'm sorry that I'm rambling on, but this is a subject that must be addressed. AGAIN. I eventually wind up talking about Metro about every three days, it seems. I HATE Metro, and if there was some way to avoid taking it, I would.

By the way, where were the eight car trains on the Red line last night during rush hour? Is Metro aware that rush hour is between, say, 4:30 pm and 7 pm every week night? Especially needed on the Red line during those hours?? What is WRONG WITH THEM????!!!!!!!!

[Runs screaming down the hall, pulling out hair, eyes bugging out wildly.]

2007-12-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. Religious groups are running their big bossy mouths to denounce a book that they probably didn’t even read.

I read “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” when I was in my early teens and liked it. I think there was even some television cartoon made about it in the mid-80s. It was cool. When the movie came out a few years ago, I was planning on seeing it. My brother even called me up in excitement about it.

Then all the talk started.

Everyone (the media) wanted to talk about how the book was based on Christianity, and how the lion represented Christ. I thought, “Really? I had no idea.” When I read the book, I think I was about 12 or 13, so I don’t ever recall thinking, “Gracious! The parallels to the Good Book are striking!”

I ended up missing it in the theatres—probably because of all the ballyhoo at the time, and watched it on DVD with my cousin. We had, in the prior weeks, discussed the media reports about how Christian the book was, etc. I said I hadn’t read the book in years, so I didn’t remember any of that.

We watched the movie. Because of all the flapping of the lips about the Christian parallels, I found the movie to be trite and predictable. We laughed through the last twenty minutes of the movie because it was just so GLARINGLY obvious.

Now, we have “The Golden Compass” coming out this weekend. Once the media and the Christian groups started flapping their lips about how it was the book “of the devil,” I just had to dramatically roll my eyes, run right out and pick the book up immediately.

I don’t know who Phillip Pullman is. I don’t know what his religious beliefs are or were or whatever. As far as I’m concerned, if a book is good, a book is good.

I’m currently on book 3 (“The Amber Spyglass”), and I’m enjoying the series immensely. Of course, the media have now seen the screenings and want to tell us how much that the “God thing” was glossed over. Now there’s not ENOUGH God-stuff in the movie!! For weeks, Christian groups have been screaming about how Pullman is anti-God and anti-religion, so everyone who considers themselves Christians should stay away from this movie at all costs for fear of burning in the fiery pits of hell! God forbid you should decide for yourself!

How about this, everyone? Stop doing my thinking for me. If I want to see a movie, I’m going to see it. If I want to read a book, I’m going to read it. If the Pope doesn’t think I should read a book, then I say, “Hey, Pope, you worry about what you're reading and leave me alone.” Why? I’d like to decide for myself. The Christian community (I’m going to amend that to The Organized Religious Groups [TORGs]—the Christians haven’t cornered the market on this kind of behavior) shuns that kind of thinking, as well all know, and to a large extent, we have to realize that so does the media.

For instance, I swore I’d never take seriously the opinion of a movie critic after I saw the highly critically acclaimed movie, “Orlando.” I thought, “My gracious! Such loftly talk about a movie! If the critics—ALL the critics—are practically masturbating over this movie, then it MUST be amazing!” I wanted to poke my eyes out with a stick after about forty minutes of watching that drivel. It was a great idea, but didn’t translate so well on the screen. By the time Jimmy Somerville was hovering above Tilda Swinton in the trees, complete with angel wings, singing frantically, I considered setting the videotape on fire and then telling the store I rented it from that it miraculously vanished.

So yes, I’m going to run right out and see “The Golden Compass”, because I’m interested in seeing how it translated onto the big screen.

My advice: If you REALLY want to know what the book is about, then I suggest you put down the newsletter from the TORGs, turn off the entertainment news, and

READ IT YOURSELF.

Man's Best Friend Wins Again

2007-11-30T12:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it sems to be coming to light that Drew Peterson's domestic abuse was covered up by the police--his homies, as he is a cop himself.

This comes as no shock to me. I've always felt that if cops went after criminals who killed the regular folk like they go after cop killers, there would be no crime.

This case also made me think about another high profile case. Let me just say that too bad Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson weren't Drew Peterson's dogs. He would have been thrown under the jail by now.

I haven't heard anything about folks picketing in front of Drew Peterson's house with signs calling him inhuman. No one is sitting up in Congress making ten minute speeches about how Drew Peterson is a savage and beating on his podium. No one is threatening to lynch Drew Peterson and forcing dogs to tear apart his police uniform.

Interesting, no?

Message to Mickey Rourke

2007-11-08T10:56:00.001-08:00

CAR SERVICE!

FYI for Rebecca DeMornay

2007-11-07T07:51:00.001-08:00

CAR SERVICE, you bleeding idiot!

Annoying Metro Rider

2007-11-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

This morning the most annoying woman sat next to me on the ride to work. I was already under duress because I was trying to actually get to work on time. This is an anomaly. But, apparently, I was doing a fine job.

I'm usually annoyed on the train, just because I'm on the train. But then you have folks who don't seem to know how to act. This was one of them.

I wanted to suggest to her that she should just get up ten minutes earlier to do all she needed to do before work.

She plopped into the seat without acknowledging that she was going to plop. Then she proceeded to eat something. You're not supposed to eat on the Metro lines. People have been tackled by Metro police for eating French Fries on the train.

After she finished eating the smelly soft granola-looking thing, she read over the shoulder of the guy sitting in front of her. I couldn't get over that! She actually leaned forward and read over his shoulder. He was reading a Spanish newspaper, so she apparently knew Spanish.

Then, she started moisturizing. This entailed looking past me into the window, which served as her mirror. She moisturized for about ten minutes, then started putting on foundation.

I got off at Mt. Vernon by accident, because the conductor said that was the stop. I should have known that it wasn't since I was one of three people who got off the train. Oh well. I still made it in on time--and in fact, ran into my boss on the street who proceeded to make a huge production of me being on time (complete with fake heart attack and much wailings of "Oh my God!!"). Which was actually really funny, so I was less annoyed by the time I got to my desk.

But the chick on the train was too much for me that early. Too much movement next to me. One time I got on the train, and someone sat next to me rustling her bag for the entire 20 minute trip. I wanted to snatch the bag out of her hand and throw it across the train by the time I got off.

Or the guy who sat next to me once, rustling his bag and blowing his nose REPEATEDLY. The next day he ended up sitting behind me doing the same thing!! Annoying!!!

People! Get on the train, sit quietly, and get off! Is this so difficult??!

Shallow Thoughts

2007-10-26T09:48:00.001-07:00

We're in a weird state here in the US--I'm not sure if other countries are enjoying this same kind of weirdness. I'm guessing so, considering Madrid. Explanation to follow.

At the risk of being redundant, the whole Britney thing is completely out of hand. She's clearly screwed up, but she can only blame us for it. We're the ones who open the links to her stories and buy her CDs. We're the ones who buy the magazines that feature pictures and stories of her. I'm sure she has a gaggle of yes-men that follow her around and give her everything she wants and tells her how great she looks. So much to the point that she actually believes it.

That's the weird thing about celebrity. Once they get the memo that the sun raises and sets on their ass, they start actually believing it.

There's self-confidence, and then there's ego out of control.

Here's an example. Remember that chick from The West Wing who played the press secretary. She who has vanished off the radar completely since the show was cancelled. Her name: Allison Janney.

Now, I like her as an actress--I've seen some things that she was in and liked her. I remember thinking that she was a little awkward looking--not in a negative way. Just not classically good-looking. Not really good-looking to tell the truth, but cool.

She pretty much seemed to think the same thing at first. She was humble and cool, and didn't get an inflated ego UNTIL suddenly everyone kept introducing her as "THE BEAUTIFUL Allison Janney." The first time I heard someone introduce her that way, I swear, even she looked surprised. The tenth time I heard someone introduce her that way, she looked ten times less surprised than she did the first time I had heard the introduction.

By the end of the run of The West Wing, she pretty much walked around like she was Venus reincarnated. That's the danger.

This is where Britney is. She has been told so many times how hot she is, she basically figures she could look like anything and still be hot. Now, I don't think she's "out of shape" as I keep reading in the tabs. She looks great, physically. It's just the rest of her that's horrendous.

Some have suggested tough love, and not buying her new CD. That is not enough. I say shut her down completely and totally. No paparazzi, no magazine articles, not feature commentary on the news. A complete shut out. She might wake up to that.

Imagine her waking up to no one standing outside her door waiting to take pictures. Imagine her going about her business wondering where everyone is, and no one paying the slightest bit of attention to her.

In fact, even Lindsay Lohan said once that she hated the paparazzi, but if they were gone she'd be upset that no one cares about her.

Meanwhile, I'm making decisions about not clicking on any celebrity sites for about a week to see how that goes. And changing the channel when the nightly news brings up these people--more newsworthy than the Iraq war? I think not. Also, not buying any magazines with any celebrities on it. This has totally gotten out of control.

One week. Starting tomorrow. Unless someone dies (someone of note, like Deborah Kerr or Robert Goulet), I'm not going to pay attention.

Another thing I'm trying to work out is the fact that Hollywood is so incestuous these days. I was never a big fan of Nip/Tuck, but it was all about two plastic surgeons in Miami and their exploits. The nerve of them to bring the show to LA. I can't even believe it. Now I'm REALLY not going to watch it.

Any show set in Hollywood is just asking to be stroked and coddled, and I'm having no parts of it. It's basically, "Bring in the celebrity guest stars! That'll get the viewers!" I'm turning it off before I even turn it on.

And this bizarre obsession with everyone being the most beautiful and perfect. I'm not perfect--I have many many pounds that need to be shed. But it's mainly because I'm totally embarassed at this point (running into people I haven't seen in 10 years looking like Jabba the Hut), and due to global warming because my body just can't handle the heat anymore. (Although...when I was a size 8, I couldn't handle the heat.)

Madrid now has "hot" ball girls at the tennis matches. Why? Shouldn't we be watching the game??! It's not enough that we're staring at a little yellow ball bouncing back and forth, now we have to stare at two globes bouncing to and fro? Who made this rule?

I would love to start a show and have all normal looking people on it. ALL normal looking. Not one blonde to be seen unless she's a NATURAL blonde. People with normal jobs. Wanting normal things.

The problem is, I'd have to start my own television network, because, according to Robbie Benson's new novel, "Who Stole the Funny?" these people are CRAAAAAAZY! That book was not funny at all, but eye-opening, and actually has made me not want to watch television anymore. Heroes and Dancing with the Stars (and The L Word when it opens) and that's about it. Freaks!!

The movie industry doesn't seem that insane, so I'll continue to watch movies, but that's it. No more tabloids or Eonline.com or I Love New York or any of those crazy folks. Done! One week! I'll be back next week to report on my findings.

A Few Words

2007-10-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Is this global warming, or what? It's so frickin' hot that I can't stand it. Of course, my apartment complex shut off the air conditioning on October 1st to start working on the heater, but since it's been August-like weather outside, I'm sure you can imagine how thrilled I am about that. Spent another sweat-drenched sleepless night last night. According to the weatherman, I have two more sweat-drenched nights to look forward to.

Pamela Anderson Lee got married AGAIN this past weekend to Shannon Doherty's ex- husband, Rick Solomon. She spent some of last year on Wedding Tour 2006 with Kid Rock--they got married about three times in three different locales. What a weirdo. Apparently, she met Rick in Vegas, ended up owing him money for gambling, and slept with him to pay off the debt. And she wore white to the ceremony! Not that I care that she had pre-marital sex with anybody, but at her age and multiple divorcee status, white is just retarded. When I get married, I'll probably wear silver. I'm forty and have never been married! I'd look like a dumb-ass in pure white! Whatever!

Today is Columbus Day. Although I side for the Indians on this issue (Columbus "discovered" America--the Natives weren't aware that they were lost! In addition, Columbus himself was lost--he thought he was going to India!), I would have loved a day off this week. Although, I guess I should stop complaining. I'm off on the 19th, and the 31st.

Car Service

2007-09-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

Vivica A. Fox. Pleaded not guilty to driving 80 miles an hour and weaving in traffic. Slapped with a DUI.

CAR SERVICE!

Car Ad Glut

2007-09-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

With baited breath, I turned on the season premiere of "Heroes" on NBC Monday night. The premiere was blah, but I'm committed to this show so I'll be tuning in again next Monday.

The real problem was this: because of the anticipation of the new season, NBC decided to air the premiere with "limited commercial interruption." Cool, right? Wrong.

Although there were fewer commercials, clearly Nissan bought up all of the commercial time and then bombarded us with closely identical commercials of the Nissan Rogue more than two times in a row. More like three times in a row. Same idea, same music, same length, same boring commercial. AND they conveniently did a little product placement for the Rogue. Claire just got a new one for, I don't know what. Being a good girl? So, it was a commerical inside the television show.

I found it annoying when they did product placement for Ford when watching "Alias" a few seasons ago, but now it's just off the chart ridiculous.

Then I watched "Damages" on Tuesday (and when is THIS show going to end for the season????). Glenn Close's character, Patty, drives a Cadillac. Cadillac, which then is heavily advertised during the commercials. There was even a scene where the main character, Ellen, is going to Patty's beach house with her fiancee, and Patty's minion says, "Patty wants you to take her car." He hands her the Cadillac keys. Oh brother.

Note to car dealers: NOBODY IS BUYING CARS. This is presumably why you are bombarding us with car commercials. Save your money. No one is buying them. I don't know anyone who needs a car (except maybe me--but I'll buy used, thank you very much). Everyone is broke. No one needs a new car.

Play a little game one night while watching television. Count the car commercials. I read a column once about counting the guns as you flip through the channels, but really. Count the car commercials.

I was watching The War by Ken Burns this week. Apparently, during WWII, car dealers only made 149 cars during the ENTIRE WAR. 149 cars. 149 actually stand alone cars.

What is wrong with our country today????

A Reminder for Jack Bauer

2007-09-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

Keifer Sutherland was arrested last night sometime for driving while intoxicated. According to CNN.com, he tested over the state's legal blood alcohol limit of .08 percent, and was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence. He was released around 4 a.m. after posting $25,000 bail, according to Sheriff's Department records.

Two words for Kiefer:

CAR SERVICE!!!!!!

These people are just effin' RIDICULOUS!

Boneheads Behind the Wheel

2007-09-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

So, I had to flip this guy off during lunch today. Let me explain. (I was originally going to say I was ashamed of myself, but then I'd be lying.)

I was crossing the street, and the pedestrian sign said I had 27 seconds to cross. The " orange hand" was blinking, so I had plenty of time. As I was almost halfway across the street, some zipperhead in an SUV barrelled up to the intersection to make a right turn into the road I was crossing. There were a couple of people in front of me, so he stopped to let them pass. Impatiently, though, as if he was thinking about running them down so he can get to his oh-so-important DC appointment.

As they got up on the curb, I was midway across the street, and he seemed as though he wanted to dash in front of me--which some DC cabs have done in the past. As I finished crossing the street, he pulls more into the street, and then raises his hands at me as if I was moonwalking back and forth in front of his grill.

I shot him a look like, "get an effin' grip, clown," and as I passed, he called out the open passenger side window, "you're not supposed to walk!"

I called back in his open passenger side window, "Fuck you!" and kept walking.

Not the best answer considering the circumstances, but the shortest and most to the point.

So, he was essentially running a yellow light himself, but since he was the oh-so-important one in the SUV going to an important DC meeting, he thought he was in the right.

Now, if he weren't such an idiot, he would realize how much of an idiot he was when he was accusing me of doing the very same thing he was doing.

However, if I was already in the intersection, and the "hand" started blinking, then I was still in the right. He was in the wrong. I'm guessing that he assumed that because he barreled up to the intersection and then reluctantly stopped that I am in the wrong. He was SUPPOSED to stop. Then look, then turn. Not consider whether or not to run some pedestrians over.

The pedestrian always has the right of way, no? Well, then what's he moaning about?

By the way, bonehead, the blinking hand means "caution" not "stop". The hand not blinking means "stop". They did it expressly for those who can't read English. Otherwise the sign would be blinking the word "caution." But since everyone apparently can't understand that word, they put a blinking hand instead.

So, what he's saying is if I'm in the middle of the intersection during a blinking hand, I'm supposed to stop in the middle of the street? Um, no. Just because you're late and in a hurry does not make you in the right. Sorry! You lose!

But you see, unless I jumped in his car and explained all of this to him, it wouldn't have come across right. So, a "fuck you" was in order.

The Latest News

2007-09-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

1. Kathy Griffith angered Christians when she made a comment about how Jesus had nothing to do with her winning a Grammy for her reality show, "Life on the D List." The world is outraged! The point of her show is that she's trying to do everything in her power to get OFF the D list and ON to the A list. Now, she's a household name. I think she got her wish! Duh!

2. OJ Simpson. All I'm going to say about him is that he's an IDIOT. Whether or not he actually killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman isn't the point. If he did, then he SHOULD have gotten his stupid butt off the radar. If he didn't, then he SHOULD have gotten his stupid butt off the radar. What a freakin' IDIOT!!!! Doesn't he know that the angry white mob is out to get him? IDIOT!

3. The Emmys. You know, I really don't watch the Emmys. I kind of look at who won, but I think it's ironic that they award anybody for excellence in television, aka The Boob Tube. And the people they pick to win kill me!! Katherine Heigl! All she does on Grey's Anatomy is moan, groan, cry and have sex with everybody on the show. Even more proof: Two and a Half Men was nominated. Everybody Love Raymond was nominated when it was on television. Uh, hello?? I don't even know anyone who actually watches those shows!!!! In fact, everyone I know AVOIDS those shows! You cannot compare Two and a Half Men with Seinfeld. Oh, well, maybe since Seinfeld is off the air Two and a Half Men is the funniest comedy on television. Which doesn't say much for television.

4. Metro is raising fares again. I do have to say that in the four years I've been riding Metro, I had a great commute home on Friday. I left the office at 5:30 sharp (for reasons I'll get into another time), got on the red line which WASN'T filled to the gills, amazingly. Then transferred to the green line, and as I was coming down the escalator, a green line train was just pulling into the station. I got to my station at 6:05--a full 15 minutes EARLIER than I normally do. I had to wait for my ride!! It was stunning! And I don't expect it to be repeated.

5. I'm about to enter a legal battle with the wife of my father who died about a month ago. I saw this coming ten years ago. She's also an idiot, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this all turns out. She thinks the kids don't deserve what we're getting (which isn't much). And my dad shafted her in his will. I'm more surprised that he gave us anything than the fact that she got shafted. I watched my mom get shafted in the same fashion, so I don't know what to tell her. She should have taken care of her business. That was my mom's mantra after dad left. She realized that she was too Donna Reed for her own good and got shafted. She beat into my head to take care of my own business when I get married. Now it's my dad's widow's turn and she wants to take it out on us. Good luck with that.

September 11th

2007-09-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that six years have gone by since those planes were deliberately flown into the Twin Towers? I can't.

The morning it happened I was living in Chicago. I had gotten to work fifteen minutes late and was online trying to check my e-mail. The server was so slow that I was cussing up a storm (I complained frequently about my computer and the server)! Finally yahoo.com's home screen popped up and under the headlines it said that a plane had hit one of the towers.

My reaction was a snort. I told my office mate, Donna, that a plane hit a tower, and then said, "What an idiot." Planes that hit buildings used to just mean that the pilot was drunk or something similar. Plus, I didn't think it was a jet! I didn't read any more into it, but continued to try to open my email.

After a few minutes I tried the home page again and it said that another plane had hit the other tower. I felt kind of like I was blacking out once I realized that this was no drunk pilot. I turned to Donna and said, "Another plane hit the other tower."

She immediately got up and grabbed a television out of the closet and turned it on.

I had never known that so many televisions were in the office building until that day. Everyone had grabbed one, or turned it on, and all you could hear walking down the halls were the televisions. We didn't have a cable hook-up, so it was either ABC, NBC or CBS. Donna and I were watching Peter Jennings on ABC.

All work ceased. All eyes were glued to the television set. You couldn't take your eyes off the screen.

I remember my boss had come out of his office to watch for a little while, but then went back in his office. He was such a worker bee that he didn't even listen to music in his office. He seemed only mildly concerned and here I was trying not to cry when the first tower started to collapse.

We were on the north side of Chicago on Fullerton Avenue--on the same street as DePaul University and Lincoln Park, so we were far out from downtown. But I remember that there was a general sense of doom for the Sears Tower--reports of the Pentagon had just started coming in. I had gone outside to call my dad, and I saw people filing out of the elevated train three blocks down and hurrying down the street to their homes, presumably. Most of downtown Chicago had shut down and gone home. No one knew what was going to happen.

When I got home that night, my roommate was freaked out--we lived in an apartment building that was one of the tallest on the northside near Lakeview. She couldn't handle it, so she stayed at her parents' house in the suburbs for the rest of the week. She asked if I wanted to come. I thanked her, but I said that I was pretty sure that Osama wasn't going to hit some random apartment building on the north side when he could hit the Sears Tower or John Hancock building instead.

I remember there was an apartment building being built downtown that suddenly couldn't give away their apartments, and how suddenly everyone started moving out of the tall apartment buildings. I remember getting my next apartment on the 18th floor a few weeks later for a song because suddenly no one wanted to move into a skyscraper.

I watched the reports for about a week and then stopped because there was no point. It was just rerunning the footage over and over. I remember how the general animosity on the street ceased. There were no black people and no white people; just Americans. Those who looked "swarthy" however, got glares.

I had a doctor's appointment a month later and my doctor was located at a hospital. It was suddenly on lock-down and everyone had to show ID. After my appointment I got on an elevator and there were two women in Muslim gear with two cute little girls. I tried to look neutral or pleasant, and they visibly relaxed. They walked ahead of me as we got off the elevator and there was an elderly white man sitting in the waiting room who saw the women coming in his direction. I wish I had a camera to take a picture of the look on his face. I imagine that was the look southern blacks got for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. WOW.

There was a building across the street from where I lived that was a Muslim school. About two weeks after the attack, they covered the name of the school that was carved in stone with a neutral banner reading something benign. I hadn't even noticed the school until after the attacks.

As it got colder, I began to wear a scarf around my neck. On my way home on the El, it had started raining, so I took my bright red scarf and wrapped it around my head the way I had for years and years to keep the rain off my hair. I kept getting funny looks on the train and I couldn't imagine why. As I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window walking from the station, I realized the hubbub.

I mentioned it to my boss and my office mate the next day. At first they said, "but you don't look Muslim." So I wrapped the scarf around my head. They had to admit that they could see it now. I have periodically wrapped my scarf around myself like that in the years following, but not at the frequency that I had before and only in emergencies. I bought a hat.

When my mom came out to visit me in the spring, I naturally wanted to take her to the Sears Tower. We got to the top, and my first thought was of Ferris Bueller in the scene where they lean their foreheads on the glass to get the full effect of the height. But then I got spooked. The Sears Tower is high, but not as high as the Twin Towers were. I kept thinking about those that jumped from the windows to their deaths. I mentioned it to my mom, and she began thinking about it, too.

Last night, watching "The Falling Man," a documentary about the picture of the man jumping to his death after the planes hit, I was reminded of the visit that day. My mom and I had talked about how much pain and fear the jumpers must have felt before jumping. To have to make a decision like that--you just can't imagine. Some people in the documentary were talking about religion and how suicides don't go to heaven. I had to shake my head. There was something more primal about the jump that has nothing whatsoever to do with religion. The fight or flight instinct kicked in. Period.

I can say with absolutely certainty: no one knows what they would do if faced with the same situation. People say, "I would never do that--it's against my religion." Sounds fine and noble. But you literally have to be in that situation to know what you would do and what those poor people were probably feeling. God forbid that you should ever find out. Something to think about today.

Strange Feelings

2007-09-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am currently working on an interesting problem. The more I live on this planet, the less I feel like I belong on it.

Don't panic! I'm not saying that I belong on Mars, or I'm waiting for the Martians to take me away to my real home!

The more I experience, the less I feel like I'm in the right place. It's an odd feeling to have. The commands I get from my superiors give me the feeling that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

For instance, an email just went 'round the office from the acting HR director that all secretaries are to take lunch between 12 and 2, and we are NOT to eat at our desks. The mind reels. The secretaries I've spoken to are enraged. I am enraged.

Stuff like that makes you forget that you're an adult.

Other things like how people treat each other in today's society make me long for...something, I don't know what.

To be clear, I can't say that I want to go back 100 years because 100 years ago I would have just been freed from slavery. LOL So, that's not what I mean.

I'm having strange Neo-like feelings...remember in The Matrix that Neo couldn't figure out what his role in life was supposed to be, but he knew it wasn't what he was currently experiencing...something was wrong. And then he was enlightened by Morpheus.

That's kind of how I'm feeling, however, I don't expect a shadowy character from a comic book to appear at my door any time soon. How fascinating it would be, though.

I sense that this is how people end up "disappearing." They pack a small bag and vanish, leaving husbands and wives and children and extended family members behind as they summon the police and the FBI because "she would NEVER do something like that!"

Again, don't panic: This is not a call for suicide watch. I'm not interested in taking my own life.

What is a girl to do? What is anybody to do?

I should not be a secretary. I should be a musician. However, I have to pay the rent. I have Comcast. I have to pay their bullshit fees monthly. I should go down to basic, though, but I love movies. I cannot lie.

I should probably not be living in the DC Metro area, either. But I only know English, so moving to Norway is out of the question. Although, I guess if I'm a musician, I can be an English-speaking musician in Norway and then pick up the language while I'm there.

I don't travel as much as I should, but I don't like roughing it, so I need money.

I do have too much STUFF. Have you ever heard George Carlin talk about stuff? Check it out:

"Actually this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all, a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time.A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff! Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your stuff on it. Somebody else's shit is on the dresser.Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down!"Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your stuff. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff--you put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff--here's another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some stuff here..." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your stuff with you. That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here."Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The third version of your house. Just enough stuff to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got stuff ALL the way back on the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over."Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna need."

(All material written and owned by George Carlin.)

I can't take it. I don't have enough room for it. And people keep giving me more stuff to keep. My mom is notorious for saying to people who visit, "Are you going to see my daughter? Could you bring a few bags of this stuff for her?" I shake my head and wonder where I'm going to put it all.

I should just sell everything and have a piano in the middle of the room. That's all I need. A piano and a chair. OK, a piano, a chair, an ottoman, some lamps, a television, a bed, a dresser, a table and a chair for the table. That's it. The walls would be covered with framed photos. People would say, "wow, interesting place." I'd pour them a glass of wine and we'd sit and talk. Or we'd watch a great movie that I don't own because I sold all of my DVDs. It would be on cable. Or I had rented it.

My mom gives me so much stuff, you wouldn't believe it. In fact, she used to work at Hallmark and so she would get great deals. During the holidays my apartment is Christmas WORLD because of my mother. I have it all. Plus some.

Part of my problem is that I have so much stuff. I have to maintain the stuff. The stuff I REALLY need, I can't afford, like that piano I was telling you about. This is the problem. I would like to have less stuff and more piano.

The next problem is that my apartment building doesn't allow pianos unless I'm in the basement. I'm on the second floor.

I watch too much television. Most of it is crap unless you're watching a great movie or a quality show. But those are never actually on, and I pay $150 a month to watch nothing.

I think I'm going to sell my stuff and take a trip.

Britney's Comback

2007-09-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

So I forgot to watch MTV's VMAs last night. I had planned on watching specifically to see Britney perform her new song, "Gimme More." I've heard the song before and it doesn't suck--then again, most of her songs don't suck necessarily, either. I'm particularly fond of "Toxic" and "Slave 4 U." Otherwise, I don't really care for her stuff.

But, because of the much-hyped appearance, I wanted to see what she was going to do. Well, I went to MTV.com to check it out when I realized this morning that I missed it, and there was a clip of her performance.

She basically phoned it in. She came out in a jewel encrusted bra , hot pants, stockings and boots (thank god, not those brown boots I'd like to set on fire, though). I have to beg to differ on the reports that she looked "embarrassingly out of shape." She does not look "embarrasingly out of shape!" She looks pretty good, actually. She looks healthy, and she has an ass. Her stomach was flat--she just looks like she probably had two babies and then worked her way back to looking healthy instead of underfed like Demi Moore did when she made HER comeback.

I have no problem whatsoever with how her body looked.

This are the problems I have with her performance.

1. She lip-synched.
2. She barely moved when dancing.
3. Was too concerned with her weave than with her performance.
4. Had a weave.
5. She was asked to open the show.

Now, as for #5, I have more of a problem with MTV than with Britney. If they saw her performance before the airing, they should have pulled her slot and asked someone else to do it. Basically what they are telling me is that any idiot can get up on the stage at the VMAs and lip synch and barely dance. Next year, I demand to have my own slot then. I'd like to open the VMAs.

If it was amateur hour or a high school talent show, then Brit would have done a smash job. I've seen better high school talent shows, frankly.

The girl has a problem, so don't cater to her. Pull her. She obviously doesn't give a crap about her career, or she'd do something better than that mess. I would have yanked her so hard off that show, she would still be wondering what happened this morning.

This is what I would have loved to see:

Brit appears sans weave, with an adorable, pixie-ish blond cut, and although she isn't freakshow skinny, she would appear just as healthy as she did last night, but danced HER ASS OFF.

Now, that would be something to talk about.

Luciano Pavarotti

2007-09-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

Luciano Pavarotti died yesterday due to pancreatic cancer at age 71. He was the world's best known opera singer.

Due to the coverage of Pavarotti's death, I learned a few things about him. He was actually not my favorite tenor--Placido Domingo is, but I barely know anything about even him!

Apparently, the opera snobs didn't appreciate Pavarotti bringing opera to the non-opera world. I was shocked and totally annoyed by that reaction! People are so hilarious, greedy and selfish, aren't they? Who gives a crap if some punk rocker from LA hears Pavarotti sing, and is totally turned on by the music and becomes a fan?

Personally, I hate opera until about 2000 when I read a crafty little book called, "The Dummies Guide to Opera." By the middle of this book, I was really digging opera!

One point that they made in the book was that opera was NOT created for the upper class. Opera was what movies today are: made for the masses. Just like movies are filled with sex, violence and intrigue, so are operas. And this is to please the masses. People would go to the opera and react just like we do today when watching movies.

Opera ended up becoming too high brow, and the snobs took it over. And they made it snobby and inaccessible. Then they imposed a dress code.

Apparently, Luciano Pavarotti messed with all of that, and you know what? That's awesome. Musicians are musicians, whether they are rappers, country singers, orchestra members or metal guitarists. And as musicians, we all should be able to appreciate different types of music no matter what it is, or what race or class is "designated" to the particular type of music. And that goes for non-musicians, too.

Who made these rules, anyhow?

Ask me what kind of music I love, and I'd surprise the hell out of you. I was supposed to become a classical pianist (the story as to why I didn't I'll save for another time). I was trained classically. I fell in love with disco in the 70s, and what was to become classic rock. I loved new wave music and Duran Duran, especially, but also like head-banging music, too. Then I would listen to urban music and old school rap exclusively for a while. "Urban Cowboy" had the best country music ever in it. Fell in love with "alternative" music in the late 80s and early 90s and then Kurt Cobain, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam.

(Admittedly, I lost interest once Counting Crows and their ilk came out because I liked harder stuff. I classify the Counting Crows and their ilk as "whiner" music. I don't like men who whine. I don't like men who whine and sing even more.)

Dance music and techno and house is great, too. I fell in love with Allison Krauss and bluegrass. The first time I ever turned on the County Music channel (CMT) on purpose was to watch a special on the origins of country and they covered "old timey" music. It was fascinating!

At the moment I'm having an intense and passionate relationship with Salsa music. But I love it all. Including opera.

Not Wanting To Travel

2007-08-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Travel has become such a pain in the ass that I just don't want to do it anymore. What I would like to do is to pick my destination, cross my arms and do that little head nod like Jeanie and appear where I would like to go.

Last weekend I had to go to Jersey for a funeral, and it took us 4 hours. This is a 2.5 hour trip. I could have expired right there on the spot. There were accidents and construction, AS USUAL, on 95. I wanted to jump out of the car and start screaming.

I think that folks should get fined extra for having accidents on major roads during certain periods of the day and time of year. The only way you can have an accident is if you did something stupid (or are a victim of someone who did something stupid). Driving too fast, driving too slow, cutting people off... I think that those who are found in the wrong should get an automatic Stupid Fine of about $1500 and the loss of three points. These fines go into effect during rush hour and on holidays when people are travelling. Wouldn't that be great?

As for the construction: I think that there should be extra taxation to those construction companies that do work during rush hour and on holidays when people are travelling.

And I don't understand the concept of having people work on the roads at night and getting paid overtime. How about: you ONLY work at night, and that's just the job. You don't get overtime for the regular hours of the job. So, then all road work would be done at night--when it's not rush hour or during the holidays when people are travelling.

As Bill Maher says, "We need some NEW RULES."

Death and Other Inconveniences

2007-08-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

I refer to the last month or so as Funeral Tour '07.

Some things I've learned:

Note to self #1: At memorial services, do not invite any-old-body to come up to the mic and impart a few words of wisdom about the deceased. Trust me.

A perfectly cool guy passed on last month, and was one of my fiancee's friends. In fact, he was going to be in our wedding as a groomsman. There was a memorial service held for those who didn't know he had passed, and at this memorial service, there was a mic that was put out for those who wanted to say anything at all about the man--which I suppose is fine, if those who had something to say knew what was appropriate.

For instance, if you and he partook in activities that we may "not wanna know about..." then, by all means, don't even hint at activities that we shouldn't "wanna know about..." And "don't get into it," by all means, just shut your trap! It added some unintented levity to the event, but good night, now I--and probably the orhter guests and his entire family--would like to know what we "don't wanna know about..."! This could mean anything from heavy drinking to fornicating with prostitutes of some kind, or some other untoward activity that you just don't mention at a memorial service!

Note to self #2: Do not read personal emails from the deceased, no matter how much the exchange "tells those who didn't know him how [the deceased's] thought processes flowed."

For instance, if there are comments about "the blacks" in the email, maybe you shouldn't read that part, no matter how benign. When someone starts talking about "the blacks," I don't know, I get a little annoyed because....well, I'm black. To me it's like saying "the dogs." As if it's something completely inhuman and unrelated to "the whites." Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but that's what it sounds like. Maybe if they would just say, "African-Americans" I would be over it. But when a bunch of white people want to start talking about "the blacks" I can assure you it's not going to be good.

Then to follow the statements about "the blacks" with "and by the way, if anyone interprets this as racial statements, then you just don't get what he's saying, " well, that just seals the deal.

How about this? You don't tell me how to interpret what you just read about "the blacks" and I won't automatically interpret it as something negative. Better yet, how about leaving out that section of the email to begin with since, as you note at the END of reading the email, that the part you REALLY wanted to read was about the teasing the deceased about being a Commie-Pinko-Nutjob. Since that's so much better, apparently. It actually said a whole lot more about THE READER than it did the deceased.

Why some folks LOOOOOOOOOOVE to tell you what to think after they say something that vaguely smacks of racism, I don't know.

A Scarf Does Not a Terrorist Make

2007-08-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

I just read an article about a woman who was called a terrorist because she was wearing her head scarf. Here's a snippet:

Last year at Christmastime, Rehan Seyam, a Muslim living in New Jersey, went to pick up some things at a local Wal-Mart. Seeing her distinctive traditional Muslim head covering called a "hijab," a man in the store, addressing her directly, sang "The 12 Days of Christmas" using insulting lyrics about terrorism and Osama bin Laden.

She was stunned.

"Do I look like a terrorist to you?" Seyam said she asked the man.

According to Seyam, the man replied, "What else does a terrorist look like?"

Can anyone say "Oklahoma City?" Can anyone say "Irish Republican Army?" Oh, I see. We have forgotten that terrorists can actually be something other than Muslim.

I would have told the man, "Oh, that's right. You'd actually have to put on a hood before I'd recognize YOU as a terrorist."

DC Food Situation, Part II

2007-08-13T13:06:00.001-07:00

An email went around the office late last week from one of the secretaries that the local buffet style lunch joint will be closing on the 24th. A resounding gasp filled the office.

Where are we supposed to eat, people? It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the District of Columbia does not want anyone to come in or out of the city, or exist while trapped in the city.

1. Metro: Just put out an announcement that they are not going to run trains on the weekends or evenings for those who wish to party in DC. They are considering buses. Imagine being drunk on a bus. Then imagine being on a bus after the concert, and then imagine drunks on the bus. I've seen drunks on the platforms and it's not pretty. But this is beyond ridiculous.

2. No one delivers except Pizza Hut (yawn) and A La Carte which charges $8 deliver if you order something under $15. So you have to get three or four of your co-workers to agree to order something to make it financially feasible.

3. Cheap food establishments are closing because their leases are up. Now where the hell am I going to go? We all know I'm not going to Cosi. I have not stepped foot in that joint since my last rant on the subject. I don't like Au Bon Pain. Too faux fancy and unsatisfying. I could walk to Tosca and drop $50 on lunch, but who wants to do that?? Subway is a block away, which I keep forgetting, but I hate their bread. The smell makes me nauseous.

All of these things tell me that visitors and commuters are not wanted. I believe the NYC subway system runs 24 hours (take it at your own peril). I know someone who was mugged at 3 am on the Chicago subway system (he was drunk and unwisely sitting on a car far away from the conductor--NEVER SIT ON A CAR ALONE, PEOPLE. Aside from that, this fellow generally did not have the best judgement ability to begin with). And I do believe I have partied on South Street in Philly and taken NJ Transit back home in the wee hours.

DC acts like an old lady. DC is the old lady of the United States. Nothing against old ladies. I plan on being one some day. But who the heck comes home at 1 am on a Saturday night (as far as serious partiers are concerned)?? The party's just getting started!

I used to party in Philly until 7 AM Saturday morning on some Friday nights. I would go out at 11 pm and close the bar, then check out an after hours club, which closed at three or four (or five...I don't remember) and then would go get breakfast at Denny's. Or hang at some friends' houses until the sun came up.

I guess conceivably, if you're going to do that, then it doesn't matter if Metro doesn't run after midnight.

Is it just me? Are we just unwanted? Orphans of the night? Doomed to take $50+ cab rides home? Doomed to find a designated driver and then struggle for the first two hours in the city to find a parking spot??

The only ones who are definitely wanted are the freakin' tourists! Cheap Metro fare, food all around the sightseeing areas. Everyone else are just a bunch of poor slobs, apparently.

Fashion Faux Pas of the Week

2007-08-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

And the week has only just begun...

A woman wearing a black blouse, black pants and brown shoes. Lady, you just KNOW you're wrong!

WHO CARES?

2007-08-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

I really hate to waste my energy to this topic, but I really just have to say it.

Who cares about Pete Doherty? Harsh, maybe, but seriously, WHO CARES?? For those of you who are reading this and wondering, "Who's Pete Doherty?" I have to say, "EXACTLY."

Pete Doherty is an English musician, apparently someone who is considered an innovator IN ENGLAND. He was also involved heavily with Kate Moss (the English model) and has a raging drug habit that ruined his relationship with Kate, and his career, apparently.

For the average person who has never heard of Pete Doherty, that is him in a nutshell. You might be thinking, "OK, so why am I supposed to care about him?" Good question.

The press repeatedly makes announcements about his drug use and jail time and court dates and his relationship with Kate Moss, and here's the thing: I have never heard a single song from this guy and his band, Babyshambles. Not a single solitary song. Never heard him sing. Never heard him play an instrument. Have never seen him on American television. Have never once heard that he was touring here in the States.

And yet. And yet he continues to be featured in magazines and the internet--even CNN! MSN! All about some dude that I don't know nor give a crap about.

Apparently, the press has announced that he has "one month!" One month before he gets thrown in jail if he doesn't get his drug habit in control. Again, do you care? I barely give a crap about Lindsay Lohan, and she's American. I've actually seen her movies.

Now, if it was Colin Firth, I might be interested. Here is an actor that I've heard of. He's English. He's relevant to the English AND to Americans. Or Annie Lennox. Or even Ricky Gervais.

Otherwise, whatever.

To be fair, I just read an article about Courtney Love, junkie, widow of Kurt Cobain, lead singer and founder of band, Hole. Apparently, she's been undereating. She's been self-destructive for YEARS, and yet the press cover her relentlessly.

Here's a tip for the press: stop covering these people! If they want to self-destruct, let them go ahead and kill themselves, but not live and on videotape. If the press spent their time covering people who are doing something worthwhile, maybe the self-destructive types would stop being self-destructive.

For example, I read somewhere that Lindsay Lohan does not like the paparazzi, but is afraid that no one will take her picture. I say stop taking her picture since she doesn't know how to act in public and in her private life. They do things in order TO get in the paper.

When I'm out and someone is doing their version of "look at me! Look at me!!" I ignore them. What's funny is that they don't like that, so they try harder to get everyone's attention. I continue reading my book or magazine as if they didn't exist.

It's like those girls who wear revealing clothes--where their thong is showing or their ass is hanging out, or they're wearing a tank top with their boobs are flinging out, or their skirt is so short that the world is their gynecologist--and then you hear them say, "Why is everyone looking at me?? I hate when people look at me!" They say it loud enough so everyone can hear them, and so those who aren't looking, then proceed to look.

I always feel like smacking them in the back of the head and saying, "Then put some clothes on, idiot."

Speaking of putting clothes on, one of my greatest fantasies is to pay top dollar to sit in the front row of a Mariah Carey concert and throwing sweatpants and a sweatshirt on stage when she goes prancing by.

El Cantante

2007-08-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

I don't make a secret about my deep abiding affection for Marc Anthony's music. I have all but two of his CDs, which tickles me to no end. He's in a new movie with wife, Jennifer Lopez, called "El Cantante" which is based on salsa king Hector Lavoe's life.

I went to a site dedicated to the movie and someone actually had the nerve to ask "who is going to see this movie?" I had to reply.

Who's going to see "El Cantate?" At the very least, probably the people who sold out Madison Square Garden to see Hector Lavoe when he was at his height. I never knew about Hector Lavoe 's contribution to Latin music, however, I ended up buying a CD of his about three years ago. I liked it. I dug it out after the screening last night and am listening to it right now.

I have a friend who actually said to me a few weeks ago, "I haven't heard anything from Marc Anthony for about ten years!" (referencing the "Latin Invasion" led by Ricky Martin years ago) I almost fainted over her naivete--and she's a musician; she should know better. He's only put out several albums since those days...just not in English. And he's apparently "King of Salsa" at the moment.

I'm not Hispanic, but I am totally aware that just because something isn't on white America's radar doesn't mean it doesn't exist or isn't popular or won't make money. Can you imagine if those were the only reasons why someone would create a work of art? For white people? Or to make lots of money?

The screening I went to had a decent mix of folks, black, white and Hispanic, AND all were fans of salsa: its dancing and its music--which is why I went. I won free tix at the last minute, but I had fully intended on seeing the movie in the movie theatre when I first heard about it.

I really liked it. It was a little longer than it needed to be, and I think that the movie makers could have cut out about half of Hector's actual drug use--we didn't see Ray Charles shooting up 100 times in "Ray" or Johnny Cash going for it in "Walk the Line" or even Jim Morrison in "The Doors." We, as viewers, just had an understanding that they were high all the time.

As for JLo, under normal circumstances, she does have a tendency to phone it in, but I think she did a pretty good job. Oscar worthy? I don't know about that, but she did a good enough job to justify seeing the movie. And of course, Marc Anthony can actually act, as we've seen many times in the bit parts he's done in movies like "Bringing Out the Dead" with Nic Cage and "Man on Fire" with Denzel Washington.

I've always been a fan of Marc Anthony ever since the "Latin Invasion," and have almost all of his CDs. No, I don't know what he's saying, but he can sure sing a song. He's amazing.

I loved the nod to Ruben Blades, who is also a musical pioneer, actor, and political leader. I had no idea that he wrote "El Cantante" for Hector, so that was nice to know. I have several of his albums on cassette, too, that I'm going to have to dig out--or rather, I guess, replace with CD.

A perfect example of how even I forget sometimes that white America or even America in general is not the only relevant factor on the planet was in watching the Tribute to Diana concert a few weeks ago. Who were the top draw at that concert? Kanye West? Fergie? Elton John, even? No, Take That, the boy band from Britain. I've heard one song by them, but otherwise they have barely hit our radar over here. And they've been together for years, and the place basically went up in flames when they entered the stage.

I Hate Metro

2007-07-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

On the way home yesterday, I encountered a pretty common phenomenon. People packed onto the Metro train (red line) and more people packed on the platform waiting to get on. I missed one train by a few minutes (not that I could have gotten on if I tried), and then squeezed my way onto the next one.

As people made their way to "the center of the train," as the conductor reminds us to do, not everyone on the platform was able to get on, so they backed off. But a Metro worker squeezed on. As he squeezed on, he commanded with authority, "Everybody please squeeze on a little more!"

Interestingly, not one person moved. I think they all noticed, as I did, the Metro patches on his shoulders and basically thought, "Oh shut the (bleep) up."

The Metro worker said, "Oh, I guess I'm speaking French now." Still nobody moved one inch. The doors barely cleared his buttocks as they closed.

Cut to this morning. I'm on another packed Red line train after waiting 9 minutes. I squeezed in and then rode to the next stop. The conductor announced to those standing on the platform, "Please do not crowd the cars. There is another train two minutes behind this one."

Does anyone else notice the mixed message? A Metro employee encourages the passengers to crowd in more so he can get on the train. A Metro employee encourages the passengers to wait and NOT crowd the car. Which one are we supposed to do?

Furthermore, what is the deal with the crowded trains to begin with? Why do I have to wait 9 minutes during rush hour for a train?

Let's go to the Metro alerts from this morning, which so unhelpfully are posted to my email address. Oh wait, there aren't any! This comes as a shock, as there is almost always a Metro alert. So, today, there was no Metro alert, meaning there was no conceivable reason why the Red line should be overcrowded.

Okay, there were tourists. (Tourist season is my personal vision of hell.) But not that many. You could tell that it was mostly working folk because hardly anyone was talking and everyone looked like they were constipated.

I've lived in New Jersey (NJ Transit), Philadelphia (Septa), Chicago (CTA and Metra), and worked in New York City (MTA). I think I've experienced all various types of public transportation. I had complaints about most of them, but only as far as NORMAL system troubles go. Metro sucks. There's no way to get around the truth on that one.

The trains are never on time--if there is actually some sort of schedule. They are almost always packed during rush hour. It's almost as if they don't realize that the hours between 8 and 10 and 4:30 and 6:30 there are a lot of people trying to get to work or get home. They jack up the prices for those who absolutely must take public transportation at that hour. They absolutely refuse to use 8 car trains during rush hour. They take better care of those who are travelling off peak hours than on peak. They basically act as if they are totally aware that we HAVE to take public transportation. They do not act at all as if they want our business. Their basic attitude: SUFFER AND DEAL WITH IT.

In order for public transportation to work, the system should be a nice break from driving into the city. It should be cheaper than driving into the city. It should be more reliable than driving into the city. It should be less hassle than driving into the city. Metro is none of those things. No wonder so many people drive into the city! No wonder it's basically gridlock during rush hour and, sadly, all the hours in between.

To their credit, the Marc commuter system IS all of these things. I've had the pleasure of taking that train a multitude of time to Savage to visit my boyfriend. It's quiet, fast and consistently on time. Lots of cars. A total pleasure. Unfortunately, you're screwed if you don't work within walking distance of Union Station because then you have to deal with THE METRO, which of course, screws up the rest of your commute. On the way out it screws with you more because if you can't get on a Metro train due to the overcrowding after work, then you miss your train on Marc. Then you have to wait a half an hour.

Not only is Metro the most unreliable, most crowded, and most expensive system in the country, it's also the most sensitive.

It won't run if it rains too hard (flooding). It won't run above ground if it snows too much. It won't run if there's ice. They're afraid to run it during a hurricane. If there's a sick passenger, they won't run it--presumably because they're afraid the train is going to get sick?? It won't run when it's rush hour. It won't run when it's overcrowded. So basically, it won't run in the winter, spring or fall. You'd think it should run beautifully in the summer, correct? Incorrect!! It won't run when it's too hot in the summertime!

So, basically, Metro runs perfectly on Monday through Thursday in the late fall from about 1:30 pm to 2:30 pm on a sunny, clear day with no precipitation in the forecast. Unless there's a sick passenger. Then it doesn't run at all.

People tell me that I'd be a fool if I drove in to work. You know, I beg to differ. I don't think I'd be a fool at all. Here are the benefits: Leave when I want to (although I suppose I'd have to leave at 7 am to get to work by 9). Listen to what I want to (absolute silence or the music of my choice at the volume of my choice). Smell what I want to (my only perfume, the coffee in my traveler's mug, the leather of my bucket seats--not those who believe bathing in the summertime is optional). Talk on my hands free device if I want to (not enduring someone screaming into their phone six inches behind me--what is so important to talk about at 7:00 in the morning???) I would be in the sanctuary of my car before and after work. Parking is a problem, true, and traffic is a problem as well. But you know what? It would be less of a hassle than Metro.

I Just Don't Get the Rich and Famous

2007-07-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

I apologize for AGAIN posting about celebs today, but there's something that I have to get off my chest.

Two words: CAR SERVICE.

Whenever I think about becoming rich and famous, the first thing I think is, "Jeeves, have the car pick me up at Cartier at noon." Somebody will be driving me around town so I don't have to think about (a) driving, (b) traffic, (c) commuting--ever, (d) parking, (e) tipping anyone for valet parking. That means, someone is going to pick me up in the Rolls Royce limo and drive me to lunch with my friends. Or, drive me to an emergency meeting at my corporation. Or, drive me to the club, and then drive me HOME after DRINKING TOO MUCH.

Apparently, this idea never occurs to the rich and famous in Hollywood. They would rather drive themselves, which to me defeats the purpose of being rich and famous in Hollywood.

Amongst the host of idiots who get arrested for drunk driving, Nick Nolte, Lindsay (OF COURSE), those idiot women who got kicked off "Lost" for drinking and driving last year, Vivica A. Fox, Shemar Moore. Shemar is the reason why I decided to write because I just read in the paper that he was picked up for drunk driving. It was the final straw.

What is WRONG with these people??

I took a car service the other month home from work and paid $30. That's it. (Well, that was more than I could afford on a regular basis) Maybe they jack the prices up in Hollywood, but really, how much more? If you're going home 15 minutes away, it can't possibly be $300--not that you can't afford it if you're rich and famous in Hollywood.

This just shows you how incredibly STUPID the rich and famous in Hollywood are.

CAR SERVICE!

LiLo Hits the Skids...Again

2007-07-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

This is a post that I should have written two weeks ago when Lindsay Lohan was about to be released from rehab. I saw this coming a mile away, as I'm sure most people did.

Lindsay skanks it up again by getting her butt arrested for possession and drunk driving. Will these women ever learn?

I remember back in October 2001, I thought that society was about to enter a serious era, much like the serious era that entered after the Crash of '29. People didn't seem to be running around acting like a bunch of idiots back then--even Hollywood was affected just by the change in the movies they created.

Boy, I was wrong. That was a simpler time.

I think we're worse. I have to wonder why. This post may be a little stream of consciousness, so please bear with me.

Could it be that we as a society are completely aware that "the end is surely coming, so, what the hell, let's just do whatever we want? There's no point to anything. God is dead, let's just get a few laughs before kicking the bucket."

What if we're wrong? I mean, every generation seems to think that theirs is surely the last, and it never is. "The end is near." Not really. Even if we manage to screw it completely up and blow each other off the planet, there is always going to be a handful of folk who are going to survive and continue on.

Or will there be? Maybe the earth is just due for another change and the entire environmental showdown is yet to come. There could be an Ice Age (although wouldn't that mean our summers would be trending cooler? I could go for that!), or a massive flood, or a comet will hit the earth...who knows?

Is this what is going on with Miss Lohan? Jail time is only so long--or maybe she's competing with Miss Hilton. Frightening thought. Now, if Ms. Spears gets herself arrested for something then I KNOW there is something going on over there.

Self-destructive women...interesting. And in public! How embarrassing! I don't know how they can do it. A friend of mine suggested that they just want the publicity. How sick would that be? Any publicity is good publicity--that sort of thing.

I saw a caption under Lindsay's mug shot in one of the commuter papers, and it was "I know who killed my career...me!" (Of course, a reference to her picture coming out on Friday, "I Know Who Killed Me." Clever.)

On the one hand, she IS killing her career, and maybe it's a thank god, she'll be on her way to posing for Playboy any second now, then on to The Surreal Life in a few years with the other B-listers. At that point, we will have all had enough of her antics and have completely lost interest.

It's almost like the time when New Kids on the Block were overwhelmingly popular, and I couldn't wait until their time had passed. It inevitably did, like everybody else.

Britney's on her way out. I mean, these are literally the things she needs to do to save her career:

Take off five years and go dormant or even pull a Greta Garbo
Raise her sons a little bit so they don't end up in therapy for decades and ending up writing a scathing tell-all about her when she's in her 60s (or 30s)
Take some voice lessons
Sell everything and move to Seattle
Find some kind of spirituality (NOT KABBALAH!)
Do some minor voice over roles for animated movies
Create "her most personal CD to date!" and slowly move back into the public eye
Write a book about her experiences

And I think the number one thing she can do to help her career is to take off the burkas, the scarves, the extensions, the wiglets, the turbans...go to a fabulous hair stylist and break out with the short hair. She would look great, truly, if she would just stop kidding herself with that head of hers.

And get rid of those ridiculous tacky brown boots she wears with everything. They are HIDEOUS!

Speaking of a tacky sense of taste, let's take a good look at Paris Hilton. What the hell is she wearing half the time? She can afford a tailor--I just don't understand! I mean, she doesn't have to frump it up--although she's kind of doing that pretty well all by herself. She thinks she's being cutting edge, but alas, NO.

I would LOVE to be her stylist. No, really! She would come out a more attractive person if I were her stylist. Hey Paris, call me!

The Potter Craze

2007-07-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm all a-twitter! I bought "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" last Saturday morning at about one a.m. Yes, I was one of those fools who stayed up all hours to get my hands on one of those tomes that weigh, I swear, about two and a half pounds each. Well, I got my hands on two of the 2.5 lb tomes.

I was pretty excited about going to the festivities--I have no idea why, because once we (myself and two girlfriends--one who's into it, one who's not at all) hit the the door, we were over it instantly.

I guess I forgot that I don't like crowds. Or unncessary noise. Or brats. Or lines. Whoops!

Maybe I should have worn a costume. I would have looked ridiculous, sure, but that would have been the point. There were some adults in costume, looking ridiculous, and there were plenty of kids who were in costume, too. They were cute, mostly. There was one who looked so cute dressed as Harry Potter in his school robes, until he wanted his mother to do something, "NOW!" I almost smacked him in the back of the head for her.

The up side is that we brought chairs! The last time we did this tomfoolery, we came at 9:30 pm (mistake number one) and then proceeded to seethe for four hours waiting to be called to line while sitting on the floor (mistake number two).

So, we learned our little lesson, and got a lot of envious looks. We got there after a late dinner at Famous Dave's around 11 pm or so (having learned our lesson), and parked in the audio book section. Who knew that anyone would be SO interested in browsing the audio book section?? We had people climbing all over us. I am totally convinced that when a movable object (namely human) encounters an immovable object (also human) they will take the path of most resistance.

Try it sometime. Stand somewhere that you think no one would ever want to be, and you will be inundated with tens of people wanting and needing to get something that's in front of you. Or behind you. You will hear an "excuse me" and they will have to reach over you to get it. And they will be followed by at least three other people who suddenly have the need and urge to get that one thing.

Or, stand and look at a book on the stacks of a library, or at a bookstore. Someone, most often than not a salesperson, will walk directly in front of you instead of the ample room in BACK of you. I've taken to standing unnaturally close to whatever I'm looking at just to avoid that annoyance. Or, putting my foot up on the shelf I'm looking at as they try to scoot in FRONT of you.

People, I have decided, like it the hard way. I don't, personally, but apparently, that's just me.

Anyhow, we were in the third group to pick up our books, and while the one girlfriend who couldn't care less manned the folding chairs, we went over to the line with excitement. We were excited that we were going to pick up our books and go the hell home, more than anything.

I don't want to bust the chops of the Potter fans, but there was another thing that I noticed about the crowd. You were one of four kinds of people: (1) Kids, (2) Parents of said kids, (3) WEIRDOS, or (4) Me and my two girlfriends. Sounds harsh, but really, there were only a few adults that were there who were, like, normal. One of the guys who was, of course, the weirdest, and of course, in my group, kept talking at the loudest volume to anyone and everyone around him. I thought I was going to start screaming. It may have been the late hour, but my nerves were shot.

This was the funniest part: One of the Border's employees kept making announcements every 15 minutes or so on the loudspeaker, and would end every announcement with, "We are happy and non-panicked." She would urge us to "calmly" walk to a particular area for a particular event.

Later, the employees started sectioning off a specific area to act as the path to the cash register after picking up the book in the back of the store. So, they started urging people to stand on either side of that particular aisle. Well, folks were either deaf or stupid, because every so often an employee would say a little louder, "Please clear the aisle!"

At one point, the employee, who sounded decidedly unhappy and extremely panicked, started screaming at people to get out of the aisle, eliciting gaffaws from most of the customers in the area. Yeah, that works.

The entire experience was better than my experience for book 6, mainly because we brought chairs. But thankfully we never, EVER have to go through it again.

DC's Food Situation

2007-07-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not originally from this area. I'm from South Jersey, land of the perfect pizza, cheesesteak, and Italian hoagie. Back home, if it was lunch, I'd roll over to Nardi's and pick up a hoagie. Or I'd run over to Scotto's and grab a slice. But I'm in DC, by way of Chicago, and I'm perplexed.

When I worked in South Jersey, Philly and Chicago, there was one question that was on everyone's lips by 10:30 am: "What are you going to order?"

I have never once heard that sentence in the four years I've lived here in the DC Metro area. OK, that's a little strong. I've never heard it while at work.

I hate the heat--I hate summer and all that it brings (namely tourists, but that's a topic for another day). So, the other day when it was 98 plus outside, I thought that I would just call someone up to deliver some lunch. Can you believe that I did not find one place other than the pizza places (hard pressed to find) anywhere?! And I would have to order a whole pizza. Not even Chinese delivers.

Potbelly's, Cosi (grrrr), Au Bon Pain, ESPN Zone, etc....none of these places deliver! Someone could make a KILLING in this town if they opened up a delivery joint!

As a matter of fact, it occurs to me that this is exactly why this place is a nightmare when lunch hour rolls around. Hardly anyone brings lunch, so everyone is outside crawling around trying to find something to eat.

What is wrong with this town? Delivery is not such a hard concept. I would love a regular deli type joint that delivers lunch. Or a Chinese place that delivers, or even Jimmy John's or something. A sandwich place? Thai? Anyone?

So, when it's hot as hell outside or cold as...hell outside, you can call them up and get something within the hour.

Who's up for the job?

Time for a Boycott

2007-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am currently eating my last Cosi meal. I am never stepping foot in that restaurant for the rest of my life. I am boycotting Cosi!

People, it should not take a 30 minutes to get a sandwich at a sandwich shop. I don't care if Jesus Christ is making the sandwiches--hmm! Actually, that's a great idea! He'd clap his hands over his head while saying "Hummus and Veggie! No onions! Extra cucumber!" and it would be instantly in my hands! And I wouldn't have to repeat "no onions" twice.

Today, I decided to get over there at 11:30. Admittedly, this is earlier than most people take lunch (unless you work construction), but this is the game that I must play in order to get food from Cosi (especially the one on 12th and G--the "remodeled" Cosi that was closed for months).

There was already a line, and there were two female tourists with their two tweens waiting for the guy at the front of the line to even place his order. He was waiting for the manager and the sandwichmaker (singular) who were making a catering order. This took ten minutes. Then finally the tourists were up. Of course, they wanted to be particular. I look back, four people behind me.

It took ten minutes for this woman to get her order out of her mouth and on a plate. The sandwichmaker (singular) then asks me what I want. I tell her. I look back at the line. The line is now all the way to the door. She tries to get the order wrong, but I correct her. Getting my sandwich, I walk to the register "line" (I use the term loosely). The tourist is still managing to hold up things at the register!! At one of the two open registers.

After the "grand re-opening" they now have six registers. Only two are being manned, and one of the cashiers is working out the catering order with the manager.

Ten minutes later, I ask (already regretting it) for a Mango Mania smoothie. They are out of mango mix. OF COURSE! Plus, this would have taken another ten minutes as the one cashier (out of two) would have to step away from the register and go make the Mango Mania. She suggested other flavors. I shook my head and just said, "Just ring me up." 30 minutes later, I'm trying to get out of the restaurant, pledging to myself that I am NEVER EVER stepping foot in that restaurant again. The only way I'll eat something from Cosi is if someone says, "I'm running to Cosi. Want something?" I'll hand her the money and say, "See you in an hour."

If you wonder why Starbucks is so popular the world over and Cosi is not, these could be reasons why: (1) During the lunch rush (from 11:30 - 2:00) you should have one person standing in front of each of the six cash registers, ready to take payment, (2) you should have at least two sandwichmakers making sandwiches, (3) you should handle catering requests back in the kitchen (call me crazy!!), (3) you should have two people ready to make any coffee drink or smoothie that is ordered. Here's another idea: Order at the cash register. Pay for said order. Go pick up the order in an entirely different area.

What a nightmare.

They Brought Back Jericho!

2007-06-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

So excited to hear that after receiving tons of nuts in their main office, they have decided to bring back Jericho with seven episodes!

Here's my beef: The President of CBS (I believe it was the Prez) said that it was "up to the fans" to get more viewers to watch the show.

Last I checked, that was the job of CBS.

When they want to, they go all out to advertise a particular show. It's usually something stupid that I don't want to watch.

I will say that Jericho is a great and interesting show that I didn't think that I would like in a million years, so I suggest you take a peek at it. Reruns will be run all summer. But since I'm not getting paid to advertise for this show, that's all I'm gonna say.

Especially since I just paid my $256 cable bill.

Only Bad Girls in Hollywood?

2007-06-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

I think that I have spent WAAAAAY too much time reading about, hearing about, and/or talking about Skanky Lindsay Lohan and any or all of her equally skanky co-horts/BFFs. For the record, I used to be a relative fan of hers. I saw "Freaky Friday" ON PURPOSE (well, more for Jamie Lee Curtis than any other reason) and thought that she was cute (though thorougly upstaged by Jamie) And I saw "Mean Girls" on purpose, too. And yes, I even LIKED it.

As she goes the way of Queen Skank Britney Spears, who is following in the stumbling footsteps of the eternally pugnacious Shannon Doherty (who thankfully spared us from birthing babies all over the continent with random dudes--but those were simpler times), I'd like to ask a glaringly obvious question.

Where are the guys?

Do you mean to tell me that since River Phoenix bought it in front of the Viper Room there are no famous dudes whatsoever in Hollywood snorting lines of coke at fashionable shindigs let alone getting photographed doing it? Not since R. Kelly showered his--ahem--"love" on an underage lass no A-list males are filming sex with (a la Rob Lowe) or even impregnating starlets and wannabes? Not since Christian Slater, no up-and-coming beefcake is beefing with their BFFs via text message or You Tube?? Even the rappers are suspiciously laying low. What up?!

Are all these dudes at church?

What the tabs are telling us is Hollywood is filled with upstanding young gentlemen who just don't know WHAT to do with these raunchy, sexually depraved, extremely thirsty but seemingly never hungry, unendingly self-destructive and misled girls that are currently running the scene? Aside from (dare I say it) Pete Doherty (shudder), there are apparently no men getting bad press regarding their extracurricular activities.

I'm not buying it.

So far, Brad is a choirboy--devoted to Angelina. Richie Sambora (weirdly, but not surprisingly) wiped his tears away over his divorce rebounding with Denise Richards. Howard Stern is just sensitive and misunderstood (poor guy) and is hopelessly devoted to his wife. Leo is just trying to find a nice supermodel--I mean, girl. Apparently, Eminem quietly and peacefully divorced Kim with no incident. Even K-Fed is at home diligently tending to his neglected (and only most recently sired) babies!

I'M NOT BUYING IT.

Either the ladies' PR reps suck a mean one or something untoward is going on. Has no one else come to this conclusion?!